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You know when you think you've got it all figured out and then you suddenly realize that you don't have it all figured out? Well, yeah. Tonight, God really revealed more about Himself to me. And earlier I thought I knew a lot about Him! Like, His powerfulness and almightyness and awesomeness drew me to Him and just made me fall completely in love... yet somehow I got frustrated with that, and even a little bit bored. Because He is great, I wanted to be greater... like, greater as in a better person, you know? I'm the type of person who always strives for more... I want to be better and I am perfectionist in a lot of ways. And when I started to not meet these expectations that I had of myself, I put myself down and became a disappoint to me. And because I was a disappoint to myself, I thought my friends saw me that way and my family saw me that way, but worst of all, I thought God saw me as a disappointment. And that crushed me.

So, what did I do? I did what I grew up doing. I had my devotions before going to bed - but not because I wanted to or because I learned anything from them... I did it because that's what I thought I had to do. I did it because that's what a perfect Christian girl does. She reads her Bible, she prays, she writes in her journal, maybe listens to a couple of praise songs... and then falls asleep trying to pray for her family and friends. So that was my routine for a few weeks. And I didn't get any consolation from the Bible that lasted and I didn't learn anything that changed me or anything like that. But kept on doing it because that's what I had to do.

But tonight, I got on my iTunes and saw I had a new podcast from Francis Chan. I had nothing to do other than homework, but that's boring, so I decided to watch the podcast. 20 minutes in the sermon, I was getting bored and usually that's all I watch. Enough to get the message, but not enough to REALLY get the message. But, tonight, something compelled me to continue watching so I watched all the way through. And God just spoke to me. So much.

Before, God's might and power brought me to my knees, but now it's His humbleness, love, and daddy-ness He has that just makes me stand in awe and cry because I don't deserve any of it. God is so amazing. How cool is it just to simply be able to run to God's throne, sobbing and cry out "Daddy!!" because of a simple bad day or something? It doesn't matter when or where we are, God is our Father, He's Daddy and He loves us so so so much that He cares about our bad days and understands us more than anyone ever will! He lets us sit on His lap and hug Him, just talking about our life... and He's going to listen and care.

And, of course, I've heard this CONSTANTLY through my whole life. Recently, a friend explained this to me with the kind of passion that I now understand. I hope and pray that you understand how amazing this is too because it's so so awesome. How cool is it to be in love with the Creator and He's completely in love with us too? God, the King of all kings and Lord of all lords loves me enough to hug me when I'm crying and love me more anything else.